Why Negotiating with Family is Difficult
Types of Family Negotiation
When people think of the word “negotiation”, they often think first about their careers and formal negotiations. (I write a bit about the difference between formal and informal negotiation in the blog post, Cultivating a Growth Mindset and Why it Matters in Negotiation.)
However, I frequently get questions from clients and friends about negotiating within their personal relationships, including with family members. In fact, when I train new people in negotiation and later ask how they’ve implemented their new skillset, they frequently express how helpful negotiation skills were in dealing with family dynamics over the holidays.
Remember, that the definition of negotiation is any situation when two or more parties are coming to an agreement. This means that you’re doing plenty of negotiating with your family.
Examples of family negotiations include:
How many invites do parents get to give out for their child’s wedding
How the “black sheep” is treated within the family
Elderly caretaking responsibilities
Financial support for family members
But since we are approaching the American end-of-year holidays…
Here are some examples of holiday-specific family negotiations:
Deciding who will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner, who is invited, and what dish each family member will bring
Which side of the family will you spend Christmas day with and which side will you spend Christmas Eve with
Who sits at the kids’ table
Why Negotiating with Family is Difficult
The dynamics of the negotiation will always be influenced by the parties involved in the negotiation. In the case of a family negotiation, it can be particularly difficult for the following reasons:
A long-standing history
Each party is not coming into the discussion with a clean slate - there are long-standing dynamics and history that set the scene. If you don’t live in the same city as your family, this might add to the dynamics because you are only seeing them a handful of times a year, if even. The infrequency in which you see them might add to the lack of new data from your interactions, so your family members (and you) are operating off of old data.
Example:
Sibling 1: “You always do this!”
Sibling 2: “What are you talking about? I haven’t done that in 10 years!”
Shifting power dynamics
There are varying levels of power in the relationship and the power may be shifting as parents age and children become adults. The shifting of power can make it difficult for parties to adapt to the new reality.
Example: “I don’t need my son to drive me around. I can see the road just fine!”
The shift in power dynamics can be particularly difficult when talking about moral or political issues.
Example: “I don’t know why you feel the need to lecture me about Black Lives Matter. In my day, we didn’t talk about race, we just worked hard and kept our heads down.”
In general, older generations or older siblings do not want to defer to younger generations or younger siblings. They may have a hard time acknowleding that the kid they once knew is now an adult.
Emotional triggers
Old feelings are easily triggered with family members making it especially difficult to stay objective and find common ground. An innocent comment might be interpreted with malintent.
Example:
Sibling 1: “Let me help you.”
Sibling 2: “You don’t trust me to do it myself?”
There might even be long-built resentment, feelings of being disrespected or ridiculed in the past. These feelings might start bubbling up unpredictably during a present-day argument.
While you might describe yourself as a calm professional in the workplace, you might find yourself reacting very differently in family settings. You might even shock yourself at how easily irritated and triggered you are when it comes to family. Negotiating with family is simply different compared to other scenarios, so if you find yourself extra emotional in these settings, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Why Negotiating with Family Can Be Especially Challenging for Women
Negotiating with family can be difficult for most people but there are a few reasons why it can be particularly challenging for women.
First, research shows that women are often expected to put the needs of others before their own.
This can lead to high expectations of free domestic and emotional labor from women in the family. Consider how research shows that in heterosexual couples where both partners have full-time jobs, women still do the majority of the domestic labor. This is especially apparent during the holiday season (e.g., cooking lavish meals, cleaning up after the family, hosting duties, etc.).
These expectations can also make it difficult for women to assert themselves and advocate for what they want.
This is especially since women are often socialized to be accommodating and non-confrontational. The fear of being perceived as “greedy” can sometimes prevent women from speaking up in the first place. (I talk about this phenomenon and the research behind it in a previous blog post, The #1 reason women don’t want to negotiate.)
If a woman is requesting that a male partner or male sibling share in the responsibilities, she may be perceived as being selfish and even villainized for these demands of equal treatment.
Example:
Parents: “Can you help us translate these documents for our upcoming meeting?”
Daughter: “Yes, I can split the responsibilities with older brother”
Parents: “Why can’t you do it yourself like a “good” daughter? Why do you need to bother him when he has important things to do?
See how in this example, the son’s time is valued more than the daughter’s and the parents take an accusatory tone when she is simply asking for divvying up the work.
Additionally, women are often stereotyped as being emotional and irrational.
This can make it difficult for them to be taken seriously when they are negotiating. When women ask for fair treatment, they are more likely to be mocked or gaslit than men.
Example: After dinner, the women get up to put the plates away while the men stay seated and do not even notice.
Woman: “Can you see that the women are putting their plates away?”
Man: “Geez, can you give us a minute? No need to throw a hissy fit.”
These gender-based challenges can be especially pronounced depending on the cultural background of the family.
Certain cultural traditions are more entrenched in patriarchal norms than others making it harder to push back and also increasing the feeling of isolation for any woman who chooses to.
It’s not just you!
If you’re feeling the strain on your family relations during the holidays or even dealing with high levels of anxiety or apprehension leading up to the holidays, know that it’s not just you. Beautiful table spreads, delicious foods, and pictures of happy families on social media might lead you to believe that everyone else’s family doesn’t have these problems and increase your feelings of isolation.
It may also feel isolating because many people don’t feel they can “air out the dirty laundry” of their family in front of others so they do not share that they, too, are struggling with family dynamics.
But remember, that social media does not show the difficult conversations and fraught family relationships that lay in the background. Families that look “picture perfect” from the outside are not always how they seem.
Tips for Effective Negotiation with Family
If you’re concerned about dealing with family members during the holiday season, try using the following tips:
Set clear boundaries
This will be especially important in the case of family member’s unwanted comments and questions (e.g., “You look like you gained weight”, “When are you getting married”, “When are you having children?”). Be clear with your boundaries by saying, “I don’t want to talk about that” or “I don’t appreciate that comment”.
While the persistence of these types of comments might frustrate and anger you, try to hold back your anger and speak matter-of-factly. Why? Because we live in a society where women aren’t “allowed” to be angry. So if you respond with anger, they will focus on your anger instead of the validity of the boundary you are setting.
Many people will not initially respect these boundaries you set and may try to push back or ridicule you (e.g., “geez, it’s just a question” or “why are you so sensitive?”) and in these cases, simply reiterate what you previously said, “I’m not being sensitive, I’m simply letting you know I don’t want to talk about it.” The conversation can end there, whether changing the subject, or getting up to put your plate away.
Take a pause
If you feel yourself getting heated, say you need to use the restroom or check on dessert and remove yourself from a situation before it escalates more. Take a break from the conversation and you can buy yourself time to either come back to the conversation after calming down or shifting gears so you don’t have to continue the conversation. Find another family member whose conversation you know will lift your spirits. If anyone thinks you are acting weird, let them think that - it’s better than an escalation.
Get a neutral third party involved.
Sometimes the easier road is to let someone else do the fighting for you. If a situation is too triggering, you may want to recruit an ally to advocate on your behalf because they are a power-broker within the family or their voice is more likely to be heard. Because the research shows that women who advocate for themselves are more likely to be perceived negatively, getting a third party involved might be more effective in getting what you want. This is not the ideal strategy, because women should be able to advocate on their own behalf without dealing with gender bias. However, it may be the smoothest path forward and it may protect your energy - and protecting your energy is important. Just make sure the third party you choose is someone you trust.
How to Have a Negotiation Conversation with Family
You may have something on your mind that you feel the need to discuss. Perhaps you want to discuss them over the holidays because it’s one of the few times that you see your extended family in person. Here are a few tips on how to prepare for the conversation to maximize possible success:
Give a heads up.
No one likes to feel whiplash or feel cornered. Signal to the family member that you want to have a conversation so they can psychologically prepare. This might sound like, “I was hoping you and I could have a quiet moment to discuss something on Saturday” or “There is something important I’d like to discuss. What time works for you?”. This will allow the family member to be present in the moment and less likely that they will go into freeze, fight, or flight mode during the conversation.
Start with common ground.
By discussing how you both have common interests starts the conversation with a tone of goodwill and a shared goal. This can sound like “I know we both care about mom’s well-being and happiness ” in a discussion about elderly care. Or, “I would like for us to find a way to support her in a way that is equitable and fair” when discussing shared caretaking responsibilities.
You don’t have to come to a conclusion in one sitting.
Give the other family member some time to think about and process what you said. You might have been thinking about this for a long time but it might be a lot of new information for them. Try asking, “would you like time to think about this some more and we can discuss it again next week?”
When all else fails…
If none of the above strategies work for you and you’re feeling incredibly agitated or emotionally dysregulated, remember that you always have the option to simply leave a situation. You are not required to spend time with your family, no matter your family traditions, and no matter how much the holiday means to them. Leaving a toxic situation does not have to mean you’re leaving them forever.
Remember that your energy and peace are valuable.
Be kind to yourself! I hope these strategies help you to protect your peace.
About the Author:
Joan is a negotiation coach and trainer. She served as a research fellow at the Women and Public Policy Program and started multiple negotiation coaching programs at Harvard.
