If You’re Feeling Undervalued and Underappreciated…
How to Negotiate for Recognition
Many of my clients are incredibly accomplished and overachieving women. However, they often feel undervalued or underappreciated despite their many contributions. Feeling undervalued at work is a common experience that unfortunately many individuals face at some point in their careers. It can be demoralizing, especially around sensitive times like performance evaluation season (check out my separate blog post on preparing for your performance evaluation), impact your professional well-being, and sense of belonging in the workplace.
It can also impact your personal well-being - feeling this way for long periods of time can take a toll on your feelings of self-worth. It’s important to proactively address these feelings because failure to address them can take an immense toll on your mental health and ultimately lead to you leaving a job that you otherwise loved.
Supervisors and managers should also pay attention to appreciating and valuing their team members because employees who feel undervalued are likely to leave the organization earlier, leading to higher turnover rates, disruption of workflow, and employees’ work performance will suffer.
Of course, it’s not just in the workplace
The workplace is not the only place where you might be feeling unseen - the “overfunctioning woman” is a common trope when it comes to domestic situations, when women are tirelessly contributing to the domestic lives of their families and taken for granted.
Rather than letting these feelings fester, it's crucial to take proactive steps to address and overcome them. In this blog post, we will explore what to do in these situations so that you can start feeling seen, valued, and respected for your contributions - whether that’s at home or in the workplace.
First - stop gaslighting yourself and stop minimizing your feelings
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where someone seeks to undermine another person's perception of reality. While commonly associated with interpersonal relationships, it's crucial to recognize that individuals can also gaslight themselves.
Self-gaslighting occurs when individuals doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It involves second-guessing oneself, dismissing valid emotions, or convincing oneself that certain events didn't happen as perceived. Recognizing this internal manipulation is the first step toward breaking free from its grip.
So the first step is… stop gaslighting yourself!
I hear too many of my clients minimizing their own feelings: “It’s not a big deal” or “I’m just kind of annoyed”. Oftentimes, there is a subconscious fear of being perceived as “needy” or “high maintenance”. But wanting to be appreciated and valued are valid feelings and if you’re feeling it, you’re probably not imagining it. So stop minimizing your own feelings. If you’re feeling hurt, that’s a normal human reaction and acknowledging it is a crucial aspect of self-awareness. Trust your emotional responses to situations. Your feelings are an integral part of your reality, and dismissing them can lead to self-gaslighting.
Societal Influence
If you have a pattern of self-gaslighting, I don’t blame you. We live in a society that is constantly questioning and challenging women and I believe that over a lifetime of these social cues, women have learned to react this way as a survival mechanism and social conditioning. It’s not your fault if this is your reaction, but it is within your power and your power alone to stop gaslighting yourself.
Practice saying aloud “I’m feeling hurt” or “I’m feeling underappreciated” without minimizing your own feelings.
Second - diagnose why you’re feeling this way
Self-Reflection
Before we point our fingers at another person for not noticing our contributions (which might be entirely the case), let’s start with self-reflection.
The degree of expectations of appreciation, as well as your natural instinct to show appreciation to others, will differ based on several factors:
Cultural Background
Some people come from a cultural background where you are expected to put your head down and get to work with no expectation of any recognition. This was my personal experience, growing up in a Korean-American household where I was expected to earn straight A’s in school, never rewarded or celebrated for my A+ but always punished for a B.
Some people with this same upbringing will grow up to be just like their parents - they will be “straight to business” because that’s all they have known and have not been exposed to other models. I, on the other hand, have re-trained myself to be frequently and explicitly appreciative of the people around me. I also thrive in environments and relationships where that appreciation is frequently and explicitly expressed back to me.
I bring up the cultural background as an explanation for why some people have been shaped to be the way they are, but I don’t use it as an excuse for any present-day behavior. Without passing judgment on the “right” way of operating, I will say that in my opinion, it is safer to err on the side of showing too much appreciation, rather than not enough.
Societal Expectations
Women are often socialized to be in the service of others - they are rewarded when they are generous with their time and energy to others and punished when they are perceived as acting in their self-interest. (I write more about this in my other blog post “The #1 Reason Why Women Don’t Want to Negotiate” about the research on backlash women experience.)
These social cues over a lifetime can train women to show appreciation towards others but never ask for it in return. (If you’ve been silent about needing appreciation, I’ll address this later in this post.)
Trauma History
For those with a history of trauma, they may have developed coping mechanisms that result in various reactions to underappreciation. For some, their reaction is to be “immune” and not require certain explicit forms of appreciation. For others, they desire more external validation. I won’t go further into this because I’m not a mental health professional but it may be a factor in forming your own needs for you to reflect on. (If you think your trauma history may be a major factor and you want to explore this more, I encourage you to work with a qualified mental health professional).
Other Factors
In addition to cultural background, societal expectations, and trauma history, other factors can influence your needs and ability to show appreciation such as formal or informal training and, simply, your personality. None of these factors are meant to be weighed as more or less legitimate than others, but simply for you to reflect on why you have certain needs that might differ from others.
Evaluation of External Factors
After self-reflection, let’s turn our attention to the external factors and evaluate specific instances or patterns that contribute to our feelings of underappreciation. The two main factors that I have witnessed with my clients are lack of psychological safety and lack of recognition.
Lack of Psychological Safety
Let me start with an example of a client of mine, let’s call her “Camila”, who worked at a large tech company. In a feedback session, her manager told her that the director asked, “Why is Camila in a technical role?” Prior to this comment, Camila had so felt uneasy with her director that she resorted to asking her manager to be present in any meetings with the director.
I’ll also give my own example of when I was working in a completely new field, in the first month at my new job, and had been given feedback by my manager, “R.J.”, on how to change a slide for my client presentation later that afternoon. I told him I understood the feedback and that I would make the changes, and he responded with “well, why don’t you do it in front of me so I know that you know how to do it.” The changes that he had asked me to make were so minor and easy, I felt humiliated that he would question that ability in front of my three other colleagues on the call.
Both of these examples might seem benign.
It’s easy to react by minimizing our own feelings and gaslighting ourselves. However, when you layer in more context and the lack of psychological safety that both Camila and I felt from countless interactions beforehand, it’s easier to understand why these comments were so undermining and led to feelings of undervaluation.
R.J.’s comments made me feel like he hadn’t seen all the work I had put into the slides that turned out well nor acknowledged the fact that the client was always impressed with my work. Camila felt that her technical expertise was disrespected, but also didn’t feel comfortable pushing back on the director.
A lack of psychological safety + seemingly benign comments = feeling undervalued.
Don’t focus on just the single comment - zoom out and consider the larger environment and the lack of psychological safety provided.
Lack of Recognition
One of the most common triggers for feeling undervalued is a lack of recognition for one's contributions. If your hard work, achievements, and efforts go unnoticed, it's natural to experience a sense of frustration and disillusionment. Recognition is a fundamental aspect of job satisfaction, and when it's absent, feelings of underappreciation can intensify.
A client of mine, “Eva”, developed a slide deck for a diversity initiative within her company. When others asked her to share the slide deck, she enthusiastically shared because she cared about the cause, only to find out later that those colleagues never credited her for her work.
This lack of recognition or lack of reciprocity can also apply in a home environment - if you spent a long time preparing a meal or taking care of the logistics for a trip and you don’t get a “thank you,” it can make your efforts feel underappreciated.
On social media, you might see this commonly with moms who prepare all of the Christmas gifts but their Christmas stocking remains empty because their husband didn’t think to fill it. You also see the #eldestdaughter trends on social media that highlight the expectations for daughters to contribute to the financial, physical, and emotional labor for their families without any recognition.
Additional contributing factors
Below are some other common contributing factors to feelings of underappreciation. Sometimes, they’re not just contributing factors, but are the root causes to the previous reasons listed.
Inadequate Communication:
Effective communication is the backbone of any successful workplace. When communication breaks down, employees may feel disconnected from the organization's goals and objectives. Lack of feedback, updates on projects, or general communication from superiors can contribute to a perception of being undervalued and left in the dark.
This is likelier to happen during a season when there is a stretch of resources - perhaps hiring is delayed and roles are left empty or the organization is in belt-tightening mode.
Again, this can also be true in a home environment. During busy times, when everyone is rushing to get out of the door, some may forget to stop and say “thank you” or reflect on all the labor contributions to get you to this point.
Also, if you’ve filled that role for a long time, someone might assume that you know you’re appreciated and you don’t need to hear it.
Ambiguous Expectations
Unclear job expectations and roles can leave employees feeling adrift. If responsibilities are not clearly defined, individuals may struggle to understand their impact on the organization, leading to a sense of insignificance. Establishing clear expectations is crucial for fostering a sense of purpose and value.
Limited Growth Opportunities
A lack of opportunities for professional growth and advancement can foster feelings of stagnation. Employees who see no room for development within their current roles may feel their potential is overlooked, leading to a decline in morale and job satisfaction.
Poor Work Environment
The workplace environment plays a significant role in shaping employees' perceptions. If the workplace culture is toxic, unsupportive, or lacks a sense of camaraderie, individuals may feel isolated and undervalued. A positive work environment that fosters collaboration and mutual respect is crucial for employee well-being.
Unequal Treatment
Perceptions of unequal treatment among employees can contribute to feelings of underappreciation. If favoritism, bias, or unfair practices are evident in the workplace, it erodes trust and confidence. Recognizing and addressing issues related to equity is vital for maintaining a healthy and appreciative work atmosphere.
Mismatched Values
When an individual's values and beliefs misalign with those of the organization, it can lead to a sense of disconnect. Feeling undervalued may arise when there is a lack of alignment between personal values and the values promoted by the company.
Burnout and Overwork
Excessive workload and burnout can contribute significantly to feelings of underappreciation. When employees consistently put in extra effort without acknowledgment or support, it can lead to exhaustion and a perception that their hard work goes unnoticed.
Upon assessing which of the above reasons have contributed to your feelings of underappreciation, it’s important to do what’s within your power to address these issues.
Third - Address the issues
Before I get to strategies on how to address the above issues, you might be wondering, “what does this have to do with negotiation?” I wrote in a previous blog post, Why Negotiating With Family is Difficult, that the definition of “negotiation” is when two or more parties come to an agreement.
In any of the above scenarios, the various parties are de facto in silent disagreement. They need to come to a point where they agree on the individual’s contributions and how to recognize those contributions.
Getting to agreement on these two points may include a few negotiation strategies.
Use these Three Negotiation Strategies
Ask Probing Questions
One of the most effective ways to address feelings of underappreciation is through open and honest communication, including asking good probing questions.
A probing question is an open-ended question that nudges prospects toward revealing more information about their situation. This might sound overly simple and yet in the trainings I conduct and the conflicts I mediate, I witness time and time again that people speak in statements and don’t ask enough questions.
Schedule a meeting with your supervisor to discuss your concerns. Be specific about your contributions and achievements, and express your desire for more recognition and ask questions to diagnose where the disconnect was. This might sound like, “I thought that my rating at the top 5% of sales would set me up for promotion. Can you explain why I won’t be promoted this quarter?”
Sincerely asking thoughtful questions can provide valuable insights and may lead to a clearer understanding of your role and status within the organization. (It’s important not to wait until your performance evaluation to have this conversation!)
This also applies in domestic situations.
In domestic situations, it’s especially important to communicate how you feel openly and honestly. Avoid “you” statements that may be perceived as accusatory and be reacted to with defensiveness (e.g., “you don’t do as much of the housework as me”).
Instead, use “I” statements, such as “I feel stressed when…” or “I feel sad when…” (e.g., “I feel stressed when I come home and see a pile of laundry.”) Again, ask thoughtful questions (e.g., “can you explain what you consider your contributions to the housework?”) and be open to hearing their perspective and how they perceive the situation during the conversation.
Recruit Allies
It’s important to acknowledge that psychological safety is a prerequisite for direct and honest communication. If you don’t feel comfortable asking probing questions, you can recruit allies who can leverage their position or advocate for you.
In the case of Camila, her manager supported her by joining certain meetings with the director. In the case of my manager R.J., I eventually worked with my director to transfer to a different project.
Allyship doesn’t always have to come from people in higher positions. The women aides as part of the Obama administration became famous for their “amplification” strategy, where they made sure to give credit to other women in everyday meetings by saying things like, “I agree with Sally’s suggestion that…” These small actions can build on each other to make sure women get credit for their work.
Framing as a Win-Win or in the Service of Others
Unfortunately, some situations are not ideal for direct and honest communication. For example, when women or people of color point out bias against them, research shows that action is perceived as self-serving and can backfire on them. In these situations, it may be more strategic to use framing tactics that avoid this bias.
For my client Eva, I suggested that she approach the group to create a standardized way of watermarking the slide decks with the original creator so that contributions are always recognized. This allowed Eva to frame the suggestion in the best interest of all contributing members, not just herself. It helped her avoid bias and preserved her reputation as a team player.
If you’re unsure how to ask probing questions or want to prepare a Win-Win framing for a conversation, reach out to me for a consultation.
Other important strategies to fight feeling undervalued
Build a Support System:
Connect with colleagues who understand and empathize with your situation. In the case of toxic bosses, you will likely find other people opening up to you about similar problems and identify a pattern. Toxic people leave a lot of collateral damage behind. Having a support system at work can provide emotional reinforcement and valuable advice. Share your experiences, and listen to theirs to gain different perspectives on navigating workplace challenges.
Set Clear Expectations:
Ambiguity in job expectations can contribute to feelings of underappreciation. Clearly define your role, responsibilities, and expectations with your supervisor. Having a transparent understanding of what is expected of you can lead to a more supportive work environment.
Celebrate Your Achievements:
Take the initiative to celebrate your accomplishments, even if it's on a personal level. Keep a record of your achievements and milestones, and periodically review them. (I mention keeping a “brag” folder on your computer in my blog post about performance evaluations.) This self-reflection can boost your confidence and remind you of your value within the organization.
When to walk away
If efforts to address feelings of underappreciation do not yield positive results, it may be worth considering alternative options. This could involve exploring opportunities within the company or, if necessary, evaluating external career possibilities that align better with your professional goals and values.
Sadly, too many of my clients keep giving too many chances. They allow for their own mental health to take a hit because they don’t want to be seen as “giving up” or they hope that it gets better. So let this be my regular reminder - Hope is not a strategy! While we all need to at least give these strategies a shot, sometimes nothing works and you need to walk away.
You deserve to be in a work environment that supports you and recognizes your contributions. Your peace is worth protecting - you deserve to live a life, both professional and personal, free of toxicity.
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About the Author:
Joan is a negotiation coach and trainer. She served as a research fellow at the Women and Public Policy Program and started multiple negotiation coaching programs at Harvard.
